Abstrusion (poetry collection). Part 3

 OBLIVIOUS I always seem to be Running up against horizontal zippers In a vertical world. I never get to fully open the fabric of this nightmare So I never can see everything all at once. I just get fleeting glimpses Into these pockets of hell, Searching for a heaven That just cannot be found. So I’ll just keep spinning Round and round In this square prison of water I find myself trapped in. Drowning, But happy in the knowledge That you won’t notice the tears. In fact, You probably won’t even notice the water.  THE BRUSH OF YOUR BREATH Smoke rings rising in images of you. I see all possibilities in them for a moment For all time, and then, I see only one possible moment. The altered atmosphere, Creates and molds a statue, A cathedral unto itself, Sculpted at the edges of castle deep. Left behind and dissolving Into a beckoning sea, All negative vibrations suddenly disappear With the brush of your breath on my soul. I’m a vagrant of love Claiming clemency from all separations. The brush of your breath on my spirit Is the wind beneath my wings.  THE PLEDGE I pledge my soul to you. If ever a sad feeling starts to form in your eyes, I will lasso the wind And transform it into a towel for your tears. I will capture the Sun To warm the coldest moments You spend in uncertainty. If ever you feel empty I will fill you up. If ever you feel needy I will exceed your requirements. If ever you feel frightened I will slay your dragons. If ever you become lost I promise, I will find you This is my pledge to you  SOME ENDINGS Sometimes I have 20/20 vision And other times I’m almost legally blind. Either way, I should have seen at the start We’d never have a happy ending. Some endings are so hard to take You just can’t read that book again. The only evidence that you’ve read it Is the pages that crumpled As your teardrops slowly dried And stained the ink on the page. We became indecipherable And love disappeared Like frost on the grass. Without warning, you broke my heart. I still can’t believe I never saw it coming. Some endings are too hard to take And I just can’t read that book again, Ever.  STAINS I thought about you this morning And the tears began again. Lately they’re a frequent yet unwelcome visitor. Thank God they are only momentary And haven’t taken up permanent residence yet. I see the tearstains on love’s page And wonder at the world that must exist inside them. Some of them look lonely, Some emanate anger, And a few special ones Hold the remnants of lost love. “Everything is a universe unto itself”. I know this must be true Because you are a universe unto yourself Far separated from love and me. Nestled in the warm damp Of tears on my pillow I realize you are the stain on my soul That not even death can wash away.  SURVIVAL When I saw you this morning You were a sight for sore eyes. Wild and wooly, hair disheveled and hung over. You still looked absolutely beautiful to me. As you neared the car I could feel your heat And the ice in my heart Began a silver thaw Inside that golden moment. We had good times. We had bad times. When I remember the bad times Even they feel good now. I’ve carefully wrapped them up In their own special melancholy afterglow. When I saw you this morning Hung over and disheveled The flood gates in my heart opened And I let you in once again to do more damage, But not before I put on my life jacket And grabbed a few golf balls for you. Because I never know where we’ll end up, I want to ensure you’re happy And make sure I don’t drown. At the heart of the matter, It’s a matter of survival.  THEN & NOW In the beginning, A meeting of the eyes, A meeting of the minds. A meeting of the bodies. A meeting of the hearts, And finally A joining of the souls. And then, The anger, the disillusionment, The airport where we boarded the future And finally We flew apart In our opposite wounded directions. And now, Teardrops in my eyes, Desolation in my mind, A chill throughout my body, An aching in my heart. And finally A breaking of my spirit. The me I knew so well Will never live again. It died inside of you.  NO TRACE I took the little labels, Identifying the frets, Off the Dobro tonite. Since we don’t make beautiful music anymore, I couldn’t see much sense In you trying to play it with me again. In a way it felt bad, But in a way it felt so good To peel those little labels off Like you peeled my love off of you. As I look at the Dobro now There’s no trace at all That the labels were ever there. I need to always be with Candice James If I chance to see you again I’m just as certain There’ll be no trace That I was ever there.  THE VIEW When you came into view today You looked so good, Wearing the blue Nike T Shirt I bought you for your Birthday. Did I look good Wearing the heartache You bought me for my Deathday? When I looked into your eyes I saw both confusion and care. I thought I’d see nonchalance But if it was there you hid it well, Much the way you hide your true emotions. When you kissed me, I wondered, Was it goodbye or a new kind of hello. When you came into view today My world started spinning again For a short while, Before the moment ended And you faded through the doorway.  ALWAYS SEARCHING Winter’s creeping into this lonely city And I want to stand in someone’s shadow. I want to stand in your shadow. I need to hide in your shadow. I long to live in your shadow Taking up permanent residence In a land sans tears. I’m caught in the quiet of a cloud Flying sidelong into a mountain Of moments I may not be able to Calibrate or estimate, And all the while I’m listening to the breeze As it rolls in and rocks The ancient suspension bridge Hanging by a thread in my mind. The book of days lays open On a dust riddled table of dreams. The pages turn in slow motion As they erupt from their Shallow burial ground. During these intervals of upheaval I need to find a safe place to land. I’m always searching For your outstretched arms, For the safety of your smooth runway. I’m always searching For you.  BROKEN TOO LONG TO BE FIXED The sun is trying to break through the clouds. In search of a brand new moment And I’m trying to dance with invisible diamonds On a sea of glistening dreams. It’s a new dance with new music That I just can’t seem to comprehend. I’m not used to the gentle steps And the tender twists and turns So easy to navigate. But, alas, I’ve been broken too long to be fixed. Bring back the tidal waves and savage storms. Bring back the leaky boats with broken oars. Bring back the tattered sail and the cracked mast. Close up all the safe harbors to seek repairs in. Launch me back into your stormy sea of shipwrecked dreams And smile for me one last time, As I embrace the drowning. I’ve been broken too long to be fixed  HOW CAN I ? How can I cool my lips After your fiery kiss? How can I dream again If you’re not part of it? How can my arms react If it’s not your embrace? How can I hide the trace Of these tears on my face? How can I stop the rain? How can I quell the fear? How can I ease the pain If I can’t hold you near? How can I face this storm If you won’t keep me warm? I can’t Unless you return to me.  IF I CANNOT CRY Goodbye my love. It’s hard to watch love die. Please forgive me if I cannot cry. So many questions without answers why. Too many tears made my eyes run dry. So many pillowcases soaking wet So many failed attempts to raise the dead. Too many writings better left unread. Sometimes I wish we had never met. Too many times you didn’t take the time. So many heartaches. It was such a crime. You made your stand then you walked away. This debt’s now yours and you will have to pay. Goodbye my love. It’s hard to watch love die. Please forgive me If I cannot cry.  LATE LAST NIGHT Late last night The moon hung high in the sky, Hazy inside it’s corona. The inner recesses of my mind Penetrated its core With a message for only you. Tell him: I’m in love with him. I ache for only him. My tears are in the rain. My sighs are on the wind. My heartache is trapped inside this storm Of needing him; His voice, His touch, His presence. His warmth, His magic. Late last night I fell to my knees and begged the moon To deliver this message Straight from my heart to yours. Late last night There wasn’t another living soul in my world Except you.  LOCKED OUT Your image is burned into my mind, Seared into my heart, Scorched into my soul, And it always will be the biggest part of my spirit. I see your face everywhere, In everything, Even in transparencies. I look into the mirror And I see you staring back at me. I’m imprisoned in an atmosphere of needles and pins. I try to succumb to this numbness I’ve become, Then your image flashes again And I’m hanging by a thread Turning into a rope. I’m trying to climb back into the us I lost Before you locked me out. Someday I’ll find The key to your heart again. The only key that unlocks mine.  REVERSAL I parked the car the opposite way tonight Hoping that somehow It might reverse the recent events in my life; Hoping it might change my energy field And attract you back to me. As I walked through the underground Toward the elevator door I was hoping it might all be just a bad dream. I got into the elevator and wished for you. Each step I took down the hallway to my door Was filled with the anticipation That you might be inside waiting for me. My wish came true until I opened the door And found the emptiness you left waiting there for me. I didn’t turn the light on right away. I just stood there silently in the dark Listening to my heartbeat, Wondering where yours was. Maybe tomorrow If I drive in reverse I can change things And you’ll come back to me.  SAFE AT LAST It’s a summer hammock kind of feeling On a warm breezy day. Drifting through notions And oceans of emotions, Semi sunstruck and pierced with diamonds, We move in tandem. We are the cyclists Burning new grooves Deep into this highway of love we travel. Winding roads, Hidden potholes, And looming cliffs Don’t frighten me anymore. Because I’m traveling with you, I know I’m safe at last.  SHOWDOWN Inside the fullest effulgence of a moonbeam Encompassing a solitary teardrop, I sometimes believe I can see the real you Hiding inside this dampened dream. This nocturnal film noire Starring your illustrious smile, Produced by your exceeding heat, Directed by your familiar flame Excites me even more than before Inside the fullest meaning of my heartbeat. The reel runs both ways, In Technicolor and Cinemascope, Then black and white, Dark and light, Like a breathing bullet Searching for embodiment Inside the fullest moment of this showdown We’ve created for each other.  SLEEPING AWAKE I spend my nights sleeping with sleep Caressing its invisible chanting breath As I feel it brush the eastern side of my cheek In a westerly wind kind of essence. I hear the chime of a distant bell Thundering inside a cloud too far. The skies eyes have narrowed in on me And every part of my mind is being Scrutinized past the point of tears or pity. Her invisible fingers have touched my flesh. She is dissecting the arteries in my heart Reading the lies I’ve been hiding in my blood. I’m running down a barbed wire trail Barefoot, headlong into the wall of Granite flecked wind that beats on my Skin but never breaks the surface. I must be heading toward a destination But I don’t know it’s name and I can’t Seem to find reference to it on any map. I slow down the pace for a bit Trying to figure out exactly where I am But as I slow the pace the barbed wire Trail I’m travelling on cuts into My uncalloused feet and the bleeding starts. I’ve seen this kind of bleeding before. Once it came from my heart and my soul At night when I’m sleeping alone, I sometimes sense you’re beside me. I could swear I hear you breathing Into the pillow beside me. This is my favorite pretense.  THAT MOMENT IN TIME Driving down 6th Street at that moment in time, All I saw was the back view of a man on the sidewalk, A shock of salt and pepper hair, A cel phone to his ear And an umbrella hanging down from his belt. I knew in an instant, by the fit of the pants, The posture, and the umbrella hanging down from the belt That it was you! A couple of blocks earlier I had the feeling you were nearby And Presto! There you were Magically appearing Out of the universe’s bag of tricks To fulfill this burning, yearning inside me. There are over 100,000 people in this city But somehow, I knew I’d see you today, Touch you today, Kiss you today. At that moment in time When our hands touched and our lips met, I was home again For a moment.  THE REMAINING When will you give your love to me again? And, will you give it to me again? As I lie in bed this question repeats And repeats itself in my mind. Where did I lose you and when? Was it on the street of faded dreams? Was it when I wasn’t paying enough attention? If ever you filled my heart and mind More than now, It must have been in some other Heartbreak Hotel I built, chained up By an icy rope of memory’s teardrops. Everywhere I go I look for you. I search the streets and avenues, On hot sultry days On white snowy nights, In every corner of my heart, At the far edge of my sanity. I never take a step without you. You’ve never left my thoughts or my heart. Where will I see you again, and will I? In life? In death? When? Until then I remain waiting. I’ll never give up.  THIS RELENTLESS RAIN It’s raining all over my world: Lonely days, Killer nights, Communication breakdown all around. I’m curled up into a ball Trying to roll into a parallel universe Where I know the other me is happy. I’m trying to tie my spirit to a kite And fly high and far away from this rain. Where am I? I know I’m somewhere in this world But I’m so far removed from me now, It’s almost like I’m not real anymore. Like the world isn’t real anymore. All that’s real Is this relentless rain.  WINDS OF CHANGE Windswept, tearstained and star crossed The odds were against us right from the start. It was like a split second Unexpected hemorrhage of the heart. In the beginning The color was so brilliant, So red, So beautiful and hot, We didn’t realize we were dying of emotion. Death walked in the dark of us, On soft velour slippers. We never heard it coming. It’s shadow fell across us like a blanket of doom. We split apart like wet kindling Never to burn together again. The tears drowned the dream. The stars crossed again As we watched love drift away On the restless winds of change.